11/11/2009 by Richard.

Memorandum               JMC

To:                   Jesus, Son of Joseph

                        Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop

                        Nazareth

From:     Jordan Management Consultants

                       Jerusalem

Dear Sir:

      Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organisation.  All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking.  They do not have the team concept.  We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.  Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.  Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.  We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.  James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential.  He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, with contacts in high places.  He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible.  We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.  All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

      We wish you every success in your new venture.

                              Sincerely yours,

                              Jordan

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09/11/2009 by Richard.

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,

“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

… YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS …

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”

Oh shut up, I know you laughed

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08/11/2009 by Richard.

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus’.
It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’

‘Lucky’ he screamed.

‘Lucky, I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24!!!!!!’

‘Blow me,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the raffle as well!!!

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07/11/2009 by Richard.

Drink Driving

A true story from the Mount Isa Police in Queensland
Only an Aussie could pull this one one

A routine Police patrol car
parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around
the car park for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity
and trying his keys on five Recently vehicles.
The man managed to find his car,
which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes
as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night).
Then flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary
for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park
and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer,
having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car,
put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement
the breathalyser indicated
no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said
‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station
this breathalyser equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the man,
‘tonight I’m the designated decoy’

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04/11/2009 by Richard.

Three Men on a Hike*

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

‘ God, please give me the strength to cross the river. ‘

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ‘ God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river ‘

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ‘ God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river ‘

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH

AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

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21/09/2009 by Richard.

Hi Ted,and whoever else is reading this.Just a few lines to let you know that all is well with us down in Worcester.Summer is now over so now we are getting wall to wall sunshine and have been since the beginning of the month.Nathan has now started preschool nursery for two days a week, and before we know it Christmas will be with us once more. Its true what they say as you get older time seems to go faster. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day,especially when you work full time,(but not many of you lot would know that,as you all seem to have taken early retirement).

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09/07/2009 by Richard.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

“Mary Mary”

“Is that you Fred”?

“Yes I’ve come back like we agreed”

“What’s it like”?

“Well I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast then go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice.

Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper off to the golf course again.Then have sex unti late at night.

The next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven”

“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Surrey.

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31/05/2009 by Richard.

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