13/11/2009 by Ted.

Well, his name is Jonathan, and on Sunday he will be one year old!

Please join me in wishing Jonathan the happiest of birthdays, and may his smile continue to brighten up every day for everyone.

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13/11/2009 by Ted.

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist flies up in a rocket and says, “God, we don’t need you now.  Science has figured out a way to create life out of nothing.  We can now do what you did in the beginning.” 

“Really?”, replies God.  “What exactly do you mean?”

“Well”, replies the scientist.  “We can make stem cells into sperm and eggs and create people”.

“That’s something I would like to see”, says God.  “Why dont you show me?”

So the scientist bends down and takes a test-tube containing stem cells from a the freezer in the rocket.

“We obtain these from aborted foetuses!” he said.

God grabs his arm and pulls him back.  “Hey, not so fast”, he says. “Make your own stem cells.”

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12/11/2009 by Ted.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later the boy cries out, “Da-ad”  

“What?”, shouts back his father.

“I’m thirsty”, says the boy. “Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No”, says dad. “You had your chance.  Lights out!”

Five minutes pass.

“Da-aaaad!”, shouts the boy.

“What?”, says dad.

“I’m thirsty”, says the boy. “Can I have a drink of water?”

“I said no”, shouts the father. “And if you ask again I’ll smack your bottom!”

Five minutes later, “Daaaaaa-aaaaaaad!”, shouts the boy.

“What?”, yells his father.

“When you come in to smack me can you bring me a drink of water?”

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11/11/2009 by Ted.

There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That’s noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle,
The finest that Woolworth’s could sell.

They didn’t think much to the Ocean:
The waves, they were fiddlin’ and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they’d Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars -
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild  -
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle
And pushed it in Wallace’s ear.

You could see that the Lion didn’t like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im,
And swallowed the little lad ‘ole. 

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said ‘Mother! Yon Lion’s ‘et Albert’,
And Mother said ‘Well, I am vexed!’

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done -
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said ‘What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it’s your boy he’s eaten?’
Pa said “Am I sure? There’s his cap!’

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said ‘What’s to do?’
Pa said ‘Yon Lion’s ‘et Albert,
‘And ‘im in his Sunday clothes, too.

‘Then Mother said, ‘Right’s right, young feller;
I think it’s a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we’ve paid to come in.’

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying ‘How much to settle the matter?’
And Pa said “What do you usually pay?’

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said ‘No! someone’s got to be summonsed’ -
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P’lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
‘And thank you, sir, kindly,’ said she.
‘What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!’

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11/11/2009 by Richard.

Memorandum               JMC

To:                   Jesus, Son of Joseph

                        Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop

                        Nazareth

From:     Jordan Management Consultants

                       Jerusalem

Dear Sir:

      Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organisation.  All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking.  They do not have the team concept.  We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.  Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.  Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.  We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.  James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential.  He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, with contacts in high places.  He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible.  We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.  All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

      We wish you every success in your new venture.

                              Sincerely yours,

                              Jordan

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09/11/2009 by Richard.

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,

“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

… YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS …

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”

Oh shut up, I know you laughed

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08/11/2009 by Ted.

The sharing of marriage….       

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.

‘Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for? ‘

She answered. 

                ‘THE TEETH.’

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08/11/2009 by Ted.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.

In the first year, ’s’ will replace the soft ‘c’.  Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords containing ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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08/11/2009 by Richard.

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus’.
It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’

‘Lucky’ he screamed.

‘Lucky, I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24!!!!!!’

‘Blow me,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the raffle as well!!!

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07/11/2009 by Richard.

Drink Driving

A true story from the Mount Isa Police in Queensland
Only an Aussie could pull this one one

A routine Police patrol car
parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around
the car park for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity
and trying his keys on five Recently vehicles.
The man managed to find his car,
which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes
as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night).
Then flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary
for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park
and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer,
having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car,
put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement
the breathalyser indicated
no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said
‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station
this breathalyser equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the man,
‘tonight I’m the designated decoy’

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