24/09/2009 by Ted.

Nice to hear from you and to know you are all well.

Today we are back to the more mundane - a slightly saucy joke which I hope makes you chuckle - together with anyone else out there.

A elderly married couple are having a short break and stop off at a high class Lake District hotel.  After spending the night there they check out and discover that the bill is £600.  “This is ludicrous!” complains the husband.  “Three hundred pounds each for one night?”

“The price also includes the use of the hotel sauna, complementary drinks at the bar, and our car valet service”, replies the desk clerk.

“But we didn’t use the sauna”, says the husband.

“You could have used it if you had wanted to”, replies the clerk.

“And we didn’t have drinks at the bar!”, says the husband.

“But you could have done if you had wanted to”, replies the clerk.

“And we didn’t have our car valeted!”, protests the husband.

“But you could have done if you had wanted to”, replies the clerk.

“I give up!”, says the husband and writes a cheque.

“Excuse me”, says the clerk, but this cheque is only for £100.

“I know”,  says the husband, “but I’m charging you £500 for sleeping with my wife!”

“I didn’t sleep with your wife”,  says the clerk.

“No”, The elderly husband winked at his equally elderly wife.  ”But you could have done if you had wanted to!”

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21/09/2009 by Richard.

Hi Ted,and whoever else is reading this.Just a few lines to let you know that all is well with us down in Worcester.Summer is now over so now we are getting wall to wall sunshine and have been since the beginning of the month.Nathan has now started preschool nursery for two days a week, and before we know it Christmas will be with us once more. Its true what they say as you get older time seems to go faster. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day,especially when you work full time,(but not many of you lot would know that,as you all seem to have taken early retirement).

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19/09/2009 by Ted.

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16/09/2009 by Ted.

To a louse seen on a lady’s bonnet in church.

by Robert Burns 

Ha! whare ye gaun’ ye crowlin ferlie?
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely
Owre gauze and lace,
Tho faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

Ye ugly, creepin, blastit wonner,
Detested, shunn’d by saunt an sinner,
How daur ye set your fit upon her–
Sae fine a lady!
Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner
On some poor body.

Swith! in some beggar’s hauffet squattle;
There ye may creep, and sprawl, and sprattle;
Wi’ ither kindred, jumping cattle;
In shoals and nations;
Whare horn nor bane ne’er daur unsettle
Your thick plantations.

Now haud you there! ye’re out o’ sight,
Below the fatt’rils, snug an tight,
Na, faith ye yet! ye’ll no be right,
Till ye’ve got on it–
The vera tapmost, tow’rin height
O’ Miss’s bonnet.

My sooth! right bauld ye set your nose out,
As plump an grey as onie grozet:
O for some rank, mercurial rozet,
Or fell, red smeddum,
I’d gie you sic a hearty dose o’t,
Wad dress your droddum!

I wad na been surpris’d to spy
You on an auld wife’s flainen toy
Or aiblins some bit duddie boy,
On’s wyliecoat;
But Miss’s fine Lunardi! fye!
How daur ye do’t?

O Jeany, dinna toss your head,
An set your beauties a’ abread!
Ye little ken what cursed speed
The blastie’s makin!
Thae winks an finger-ends, I dread,
Are notice takin!

O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
An foolish notion:
What airs in dress an gait wad lea’es us,
An ev’n devotion!

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14/09/2009 by Ted.

Time:  prevents everything happening all at once!

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13/09/2009 by Ted.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

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13/09/2009 by Ted.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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10/09/2009 by Ted.

“I’m not saying that she is fat, but they had to move her off the beach to let the tide in”.

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08/09/2009 by Ted.

Two teenagers are found smoking a joint in the middle of the park.  They are both arrested and taken to the local jail.  The sergeant advises them that they are allowed to make one phone call.

A while later a man enters the station.  The sergeant says, “I guess you’re their lawyer”.

“Heck, no,” replied the man. “I’m here to deliver a pizza”.

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08/09/2009 by Ted.

Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.

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04/09/2009 by Ted.

PART ONE

THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

He’d a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair .

And dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord’s daughter,
The landlord’s red-lipped daughter,
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say

“One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I’m after a prize to-night,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way.

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i’ the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonliglt, and galloped away to the West.

PART TWO.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
And out o’ the tawny sunset, before the rise o’ the moon,
When the road was a gypsy’s ribbon, looping the purple moor,
A red-coat troop came marching—
Marching—marching—
King George’s men came matching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
There was death at every window;
And hell at one dark window;
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They had bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
“Now, keep good watch!” and they kissed her.
She heard the dead man say—
Look for me by moonlight;
Watch for me by moonlight;
I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
For the road lay bare in the moonlight;
Blank and bare in the moonlight;
And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love’s refrain.

Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;
Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding,
Riding, riding!
The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up, straight and still!

Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight,
Her musket shattered the moonlight,
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him—with her death.
 

He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o’er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
The landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs i’ the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
When they shot him down on the highway,
Down like a dog on the highway,
And he lay in his blood on the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat

* * * *

And still of a winter’s night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
A highwayman comes riding—
Riding—riding—
A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard;
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

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02/09/2009 by Ted.

Click to enlarge.

From to-day’s Daily Mail, this must be the most moving photograph I have ever seen.  Just put youself in the shoes of these three tiny children who, courtesy of Mad Adolf, have been obliged to leave their own family (in the days when families meant something!), had an identity label tied on to their little coats and they are now being shipped off to heaven alone knows where.  Just look at their little faces and be grateful for what you have and are.

Don’t miss the little lad who is half hidden behind his brother on the right of the picture.

Copy it into Photoshop, enlarge it, and it’s even more moving.

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